Friday, April 03, 2015
Someone once told me " There will never be gender equality. If you always fight for gender equality, then tell the guys to start giving birth to babies. Tell the girls to stop expecting guys to pay for dates. Impossible, right? So how will we ever achieve gender equality between males and females ? "
This gave me some food for thought, as it made logical sense. If you're talking about gender equality in the literal sense, then let's start from the physical aspects. We're already struggling with that, so where do we go from here?
Something triggered me to go and read my past blog posts, and I was rather intrigued by my own writing, because it's exactly how I would write in my current self.
I think I'm starting to feel the effects of being the only child of my parents. I feel that I'm rather detached when it comes to forging close relationships, and it takes quite a bit of time for me to let people into my circle intimately. I dislike sharing on an emotional level , which is why I will always have to overcome my own internal hurdles when I date someone.
How do I put this. I cannot stand it when someone I'm seeing goes out with another female alone. Now please, before you start rolling your eyes, let me elaborate. These feelings only arise when something about the female puts me off in a certain way, be it her mannerisms, behaviour or appearance. I don't behave like that with every female okaaaay.
I would say it is a mixture of insecurity, disdain and / or inferiority complex. I'm constantly fearful of the possibility of being not good enough, self pitying on the fact that I may not be as good looking as the others. So how much is enough?
I'm gonna need time to overcome this hurdle of my own , and to realise that all this is just gonna be a vicious cycle of distrust.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
You asked me: " How're you these days?"
Wow . I didn't even know how to answer that. So much has happened ever since. Funny how different things are right now, how different our paths are .
I've been keeping most of my friends in the loop about my life happenings. So it felt really weird to talk to someone who has been out of my life for so long.
After you, there was 1. from school. Weird, eccentric. Short-lived. Wasn't anything much to begin with. No feelings at all. Just plainly fun and games.
2. Hmmmm. Nice enough? But just .........not mature I guess? And later turned to be ...too weird for my liking.
3. Now that's a tough one. He had (still has) a girlfriend. I sorta liked him. But I didn't make a move on him. It was the other way round. Don't ask me why or how. Do I regret this one? Half and half.
4. Now this one. Is pretty special, methinks. Shall leave it to a later time to elaborate. (;
Monday, June 02, 2014
Fresh off the boat (FOB) from HK (continued)
So an incident happened that made me re-evaluate my people priorities. I started tearing on the cab to the airport just now, when coming back, because everything seemed so overwhelming suddenly. Leaving alone for the airport made things kinda sadder. So I texted this fella about how horrible I was feeling to be flying home. And he said some things to try and comfort me, but said he was gonna stop replying cos he didn't wanna pay IDD sms rates.
Helloooo? If you don't wanna text a person overseas you can go about it in other ways, ie replying in big time frames or simply not replying at all. I'd totally get it. Besides, I've got the good sense to not make my friends pay huge amounts of IDD phone charges.
When you lay it out explicitly, it makes you look like the petty person. Simply said. And how expensive can an sms be anyway?????
OK bitch rant over. I just came back from watching Maleficient. I liked Angelina Jolie's acting, and the over dramatic cheekbones from contouring ^^ Thought it was a Disney movie, but I still found the whole story flow pretty nice. :D Have a great week ahead, you all!
Thursday, May 22, 2014
It's May already?!
Just had my last paper of the sem *prances around* and going to HK to see my folks in 2 days! whoopeedoo! I can feel summer in mah bones, bring on those shorts man. :D OK pardon me I just relish in baring my legs ok :p
Family politics are such complicated things, I find. Especially for extended families. It's like, someone would do something to annoy him/her, and gets bitched about to other family members.
Why liddat leh? Can't we all get along in peace? I hope this kinda stuff gets left behind with previous generations lol.
(Suddenly typing so much out on a computer screen reminds me of MSN hahahha, where do you think I learnt to type so fast?!)
I need to catch up on my book reading, methinks. Flipping through the pages of a paperback. *bliss. Oh and dress up ! I think I lost my fashion mojo :x
Be back soon with another update! *muacks
Friday, April 18, 2014
Fast forward ; April
Howdy. It's been quite some time since I updated on this space. It's been how many months since __ .
One good thing is I've stopped counting the months. Gotten to know so many new people, gone out with them. Laughing a lot, so much that my sides hurt. Now these are the types of people that I wanna hang out with. Been moping too long already. I love discovering funny people. It's like discovering a long lost friend, a gem you didn't know existed.
I'd pat myself on the back , for being such a brave girl, from crying non stop, missing a person, ( or rather the familiarity of it all) thinking about the stuff we did, passing by places that evoked painful feelings, hearing songs that reminded me of you.....
to becoming a person that goes out and gets a life. I feel more empowered than ever. I realise that no one can help relieve you of your emotional baggage. Sure, you can "Nah, help me hold awhile", like how you do with your shopping bags. But ultimately, you'll still have to take it back and find a place to put it down.
I realize that whenever I'm facing some sorta emotional shit or problems I'll text the default few friends. They've been my security blanket for so long. I don't know what I'd do without them (':
Yes I'm talking to you all , Alice , Gan Ma, Sin Yee, Yimin, and A FEW MORE LA I CAN'T REMEMBER NOW.
Every time I think that I have learnt so much, life never fails to surprise me, for real. Every time I think that there is no worse/ better person like him/ her, I get thrown off course.
My To-Buy makeup list is getting longer and longer. Hahahaha. The shit I do to keep myself sane while studying for exams.Can foresee that I'm gonna blow a lot of money by then. I'm turning 23 , bring it on bitches.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
I received a text from a friend that I hadn't heard from for some time,asking when I was free to meet, and the first feeling I felt was guilt, because I'd totally forgotten about her in the back of my mind. I'd been so shagged out after Europe on New Year's Day that I didn't bother wishing anyone Happy New Year unless people texted me.
It was like " oh my god! Yeah I forgot she exists! ", because we don't normally talk to each other often, but when we do meet it's like nothing can make the atmosphere between us awkward and we pick up wherever we left off. Do you ever feel that way with some friends that you don't contact often??
I've been in bad control of my working schedule recently, just blindly accepting work days that my Kumon boss givess me without thinking whether I can cope, with school and piano teaching committments.
I think I'm subconsciously trying to keep myself mad busy just so that I stop thinking about silly stuff. My bad.
I'm finding myself a little breathless lately. :/ I've so many friends whom I haven't seen properly since 2014 started. My working schedule disallows me to be spontaneous in meetups, and some of my friends have been giving me flak over this. (LOL)
"WALAO just call in sick for work once la! Won't kill you right?! We/ I haven't seen you for so long! Everytime call you meet you got work! "
I know some people are just kidding, but I will strangle the next person who says the above to me and means it. I NEED TO FEED MYSELF, HELLO? If you want me to call in sick you better feed me till next May when I graduate. *bitchy stare* >:(
Ok rant over. I'm currently reading a book by Fanny Blake, a British author. Yes, British book. Yet again. If I had all the time in the world I'd probably INHALE the book in a day or two. But it's quite difficult now. ):
It's okay I'll finish it on the drive to KL teehee. I can't wait for my CNY break in KL actually, because CNY is pretty un-happening for me.
I pity those who have to go house visiting and "socialise" with relatives hahaha. I can envisage the entire CNY visiting scenario already; families go to relatives' houses, ask each other brainless questions that were already asked the previous year , younger ones sit on the edge of the sofa and reject every single snack offered, playing on their phones, only saying "gong xi fa cai" and waiting for THE ANGBAO.
It's pretty sad, actually. I know not all people dread CNY in this manner, but I've heard enough people complain about the impending CNY gloom for me to shudder at the thought of it. I'm quite happy scooting off elsewhere every CNY, thank you very much. I don't really care for the angbaos that I've missed over the past 22 years. Maybe just a little, for all the money I could have received.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Confessions of a piano teacher
1) No, I don't really know what the kids are doing every single second, because I tend to space out at times. This strange phenomenon occurs after I've been through 4 kids. It's just that I'm really good at pretending to be paying attention to the playing.
2) However, I DO know when a kid plays something wrongly, because 14 years of learning piano has given me the superpowers to sightsing / sightread a song and know how it's supposed to sound like, even before I play it.
3) It really annoys me when I've to arrange a make up lesson, but I've to do it all the same, because I take vacation days off as well. Just suck thumb and do it.
4) It REALLLLY annoys me when a random kid decides not to call ahead and inform me that he'd be absent, and just not show up, leaving me waiting in vain. -.-
5) I've to resist the urge to yawn when kids, especially beginners are figuring out their songs , note by note, because I could probably do it in half a minute.
6) I feel so proud when a kid goes from knowing zero to being able to play something, all under my tutelage, and his practice, of course.
7) I'm not the most patient person on earth, but somehow, I am the epitome of Zen when it comes to my piano / Kumon kids, especially if they make an effort.
8) Contrary to popular belief, we do not spend our break times in between lessons practising the piano lollollol. As if spending long hours with a piano wasn't enough...at least for me.
9) I absolutely hate it when parents question me unreasonably multiple times, like why their child cannot progress faster/ go to a higher grade than the current pace, since he already has prior background blahblahblah. If you don't trust the teacher, get another one, or deal with the facts.
10) I dread the day when I've to start marking higher grade theory homework, because I hated doing theory when I was learning piano. >.<
Wednesday, December 04, 2013
Of feelings, raw and uninhibited.
You don’t need anyone’s affection or approval in order to be good enough. When someone rejects or abandons or judges you, it isn’t actually about you. It’s aboutthem and their own insecurities, limitations, and needs, and you don’t have to internalize that. Your worth isn’t contingent upon other people’s acceptance of you — it’s something inherent.
You exist, and therefore, you matter. You’re allowed to voice your thoughts and feelings. You’re allowed to assert your needs and take up space. You’re allowed to hold onto the truth that who you are is exactly enough. And you’re allowed to remove anyone from your life who makes you feel otherwise.
I couldn't have come across this excerpt at a more timely moment. I don't know why I am seized by sudden attacks of self doubt and inferiority at times, the nigging feeling that I'm never good enough for something/ someone. I guess I gotta stop thinking this way, it's not healthy.
I'm scared at times, because of the dominant no-nonsense nature. I'm scared of the physical strength at times, because I've none to fight back. Sometimes when I'm lying next to you, I feel and hear your heartbeat, the thumping of your heart against your chest. I love stroking people's eyebrows, I've no idea why. I think it's quite a soothing gesture, almost as if it can put someone to sleep.
I love tight enveloping hugs while lying down that leave you with no space to breathe. It feels secure to me, like nothing can get in between. It's never too warm for such hugs. Just face to face, eyes closed, a smile on my face. Feeling the warm breaths near my face.
I like these feelings that come with the hugs . Give them back. Pretty please?
Thursday, November 21, 2013
8.38am on a Thursday morning.
When I close my eyes :
I hear random construction work going on faintly in the background, buses passing by in the distance.
I smell freshly cut grass, and I hear birds chirping.
It's funny how closing your eyes heightens every other sensory organ.
8.40 am : I wonder what every other person on this planet is doing right now. A huge bulk of the population would be settling into office , booting up the computer, checking emails, getting their morning fix, catching up on the day's work, scuttling into meetings. The other part of the population would be....making their way to work , buried in their mobile devices or plugged in with eyes closed on the MRT or bus or taxi.
If there were families driving to work, there'd be kids, or just couples alone in the car . From what I've mostly seen, the guy and the girl in the car would just stare stonily ahead, no conversation, no form of touch or even acknowledgement of existence between them . The person in the passenger seat would normally be fiddling with a device or napping or ...just sitting in silence.
And that's sad. The last moment with your partner before you part ways for work, and you spend it like this, almost every day. Some may say it's the pre-work moment that's hard to lighten, but I say why not have some fun before you start the day???
Elsewhere in the world....
The many very important ministers would be probably in foreign land, attending meetings or media interviews. *yawn*
1 timing, so many different activities.
Do you find yourself lapsing into " And then he/she was like blahblahblah" often during conversations with friends? I do. I think it's a pretty deformed way of talking, but it's so convenient. And! We mostly use this phrase when bitching about someone, no?
I've been much more involved in my life lately. I like it. This means more meaningful conversation (at times), less checking on social media, more attention to the people and things around me. Being Happy. So underrated.
I'm so caught up in work nowadays, trying to earn and save up more to spend on my Europe trip. Le woes of a broke girl who pays for her own shit. I will be richer when I stop my piano lessons yay.
Thursday, November 07, 2013
A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down,
In the most delightful wayyyyy~
Do you wish that you were a little kid all over again? Having to ask my mum for permission to watch the TV was not fun. At all.
Sidetrack: I wrote the above a few days back, but never gotten around to finishing the post. SO. Here I am! Again.
I realise that whenever I blog it's about many a sob story. Of mailife. About issues between my parents and I that I can never solve, whether in this lifetime or the next.
-Pause. I can't even see my computer screen properly now because my tears keep rolling down. For what, I don't know.
In all aspects, I think it boils down to a difference in expectations between all of us. Maybe it's because I'm the only child, plus being a girl adds to the overprotectiveness. Their current expectations of me are: Earn my own keep for pocket money and whatnot. Go out not too much . ( aka once or twice a month is adequate to them). Be an Asian high flyer in Yale and appear in the news.
Ok I was kidding about the last sentence. But they're so uptight about me, that sometimes I feel like I can never, ever please them. If you ask me, to be brutally honest, I'm not hanging out so much anymore, and working , schooling, occasionally chilling at people's houses. All in all , I think I'm juggling my time pretty okay. But they don't think so. I appear like the exact reverse to them.
I'd hate to think that life is all about grades and nothing else. I'm so zen by now. I think there's so much more to life than grades. LOR. HOR?
But apparently they don't get my point. So we constantly have conflicts about our point of views.
LE SIGH. Family quarrels always make me feel so drained.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Bouncy bouncy smack smack.
Momma's back from Taiwan, Dad's back from Europe. All's good. Generally. I am constantly kept busy by schoolwork and ...work.
My social life is ....turning non existent. On second thought...nah, it isn't that bad. I still go on impromptu eating sessions with schoolmates and friends, and I catch movies occasionally. :D It's just that I haven't really shopped for quite a long while. I'm just waiting for my Europe trip, hiak hiak.
Also, I'm waiting to catch Escape Plan this Thursday with my gay sis Alice, plus Thor and Hunger Games with... no one!
I can't stand people who stare at social media non stop outside or on the go. I may be staring at my phone, but I'm different. I am currently reading Sherlock Holmes on my phone! Gotcha!
I am guilty of not bringing around paperbacks much anymore, but that's because my bag for school is already so heavy, ( I kid you not) I'd just die if I stuffed another book into it.
Yesterday while out for dinner with my ganma, I asked " What's Thor's brother's name ah...? Asgard?"
FYI, it's LOKI. HAHA. Asgard is the place of the story setting. Whatever, at least I mentioned something from the movie.
Bit by bit, I'm slowly healing. Slowly but surely, and that's a good thing. Right?
Talking, just spitting out the words and waiting for someone to listen and give you all the right answers to life, like an answer manual. Or Siri. Except that Siri gives me nonsensical answers everytime I try.
Thursday, October 03, 2013
Currently: I smell paint everywhere in the house, no thanks to Tiger Mum going on some painting spree like some crazed person. I really don't see the point of painting the walls anyway. ( And to be honest, her painting skills really suck, so it's might as well she doesn't paint the walls at all)
Current state of mind: Much more clear headed than I was before, as compared to 2 weeks back. I sometimes catch myself drifting down a path of thoughts that I know I really shouldn't take. Mentally slap myself, then stop it. My firiends have been very sweet, replying to my whingeing texts, bearing with it all. (': I've been through quite a lot of psychoing to stop being bitter, and I wanna stop being so bitter as soon as possible. Post mortems are of no use, because hindsight is 200%. I still believe that if 2 people are meant for each other, they'd find their way back no matter what.
In any case, I feel like the person in mention doesn't deserve any form of explanation, period. I cannot be bothered to enlighten this person as well. I'll let him learn for himself the hard way, simply because he needs to.
I am slowly picking up , exploring new people , going on impromptu shit and outings with people, chilling at close friends' houses, throwing caution to the wind. Sometimes I pass by certain places and a particular memory comes into mind, but I push it out and focus on the person at hand.
It's going to be difficult, but I will try, simply because I deserve to.
Some things I need to keep in mind :
"Someone has significantly told you that you're just not that important to him, so why're you so hung up about someone like that?"
"Yes leave it up to him. You're leaving someone that makes you unhappy. That's a good step. You're leaving bad things behind"
I realise that Etiquetteforalady helps me wake up to my silly thoughts, so I need to browse this site more often to remind myself that life is too short to be unhappy. Really.
Tuesday, October 01, 2013
Last night I dreamt.
I'd dreamt that we were walking hand in hand along the gloomy,rainy streets of some city. European looking buildings all around us.
"You still don't believe that I still like you very much?"
"Nope. I don't trust you anymore. Prove it."
"I almost wanted to propose to you already, but you chased me away first. Now you can't take me back anymore"
We cross a zebra crossing, I let go of your hand, and wake up.
I wish my subconsciousness would stop torturing me like that.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
When you get hurt
Nope, I'm not talking about falling down and scraping your knees and palms as a kid. Neither am I talking about the fresh raw pain you feel when you have to disinfect those wounds with alcohol / iodine.
I'm talking about the hurt in the heart, mind and soul. Words and actions by other people who hurt you, whether on purpose or not. How do you deal with it? It's not something that can be healed with a Band-Aid. How do you forgive but forget at the same time? I know I'm the type to forgive but not forget.... but it's technically not forgiving at all.
Do you sit down at the same spot in your mind and keep crying over it? It's difficult for someone to help you up there in your mind. You'll have to cry enough, and heal on your own.
But will you wanna go on a bicycle ride with the same person who made you cry?? Only to risk getting hurt all over again?? Or would you run for the hills the moment any mention of the person comes up??
There'd be two types of reactions:
1. You feel so much hurt from the person that any mention of the person disgusts you, and you don't want to see this person ever . Anymore. Because it hurt too damn much. And all that's left of what you feel for him/her is hate, nothing else.
2. The amount of pain this person has managed to inflict on you proves how strongly you feel for this person, and how much he/she can affect you. In a way, you can love this person to great depths, but also swing to the other drastic spectrum of feelings.
I don't know which reaction I'm feeling right now, actually.
Tuesday, September 03, 2013
Ni Hao. It's 10am, and I'm listening to some tenors singing on the sound system, no thanks to Tiger Mum who likes listening . (Yes she is known as Tiger Mum to me now)
I'd like to say that, even though I've been playing Classical music (ok the term Classical actually refers to a certain period only BUT never mind) on the piano for ....14 years.
*digress: Classical music is known by the general public as the "ting ting ting" music on the piano, and not the pop songs kind, or also known as Opera music.
Back to what I was saying: I'm .....still not a huge fan of Classical music even though I take lessons. So contradicting right? I'd not mind listening to people play... ? But I'm not an avid piano concert goer...The situation is better now though, I can interpret music better than I used to when I was younger.
Guess I'd better...After all the money paid for piano fees LOL. My parents would thwup me on the head if I didn't get my act together. Hiakhiak.
Sunday, September 01, 2013
Just a while back I heard a friend say " I don't do relationships... Expectations immediately go up when you put a status to something... It's better to let things remain simple , fuss free... that way no one gets disappointed."
I now realise the astounding amount of truth in her words. I guess I'll never know if I'm cut out for relationships...or none at all. Maybe my ideal companions are 5 cats and a house, and maybe the telly (or Internet).
One thing's for sure: I really hate the word 'marry' right now. I'm not sure how this works. You get bound to a fella for a few years and (maybe) have kids....spend the most of your remaining years together fussing over the kid(s)...save up for retirement together?
Really?? Oh. My. God.
Maybe the whole equation would be nicer if the "kids" part was taken out.....Yeah?
Why is it that... Your relationship partner is normally assumed to be your soulmate and best friend? Some husbands/ wives feel more comfortable talking about some problems to say...a friend instead of the former.
Do you believe that there can be platonic friendships between people of the opposite sex? I think it's possible....in certain circumstances. But I also believe that such friendships can possibly ruin each other's relationships with other partners...Hey , anything's possible, right?
I am a self confessed green eyed monster...and I admit that up till now, I don't really have an idea of love between couples. It's really hard to imagine who'd be your confidant, sex partner, best friend all in one. I think I've trust issues. Period.
I find it difficult to let someone into my life intimately... It's akin to giving away a part of myself. I'm too insecure to do that. The only person I trust is myself.
Friday, August 09, 2013
7 Aug 2013, Wed
Current time check: 11.50pm.
Current state of mind: Psychotic.
Well hello. I haven't blogged for quite a while, and the waiting for release of results next Tuesday is driving me NUTS.
OF course, there really are better things in life for me to worry about, and there could worse things happening to me right now... like, being pregnant (CHOY) , being broke,having the country being torn in war etc...Count my blessings...maybe.
I have just realised that the Lunar 7th month aka the Hungry Ghost Festival is starting from tomorrow onwards. I've got people telling me not to go out at night. Speaking of which, the related posts on FB are pretty amusing.
9 Aug 2013, Friday.
Singapore turns 48 today . :D Huat ah. I realise that when we tell people " Oh look at you, so grown up now!" , the unintended meaning is probably that " grown up = messed up" .
Don't you find that we get more messed up as we get older? We talk about sex issues as if we were having a dinner table conversation, and talk about relationships (whether new or failed) like the daily paper. All of these make me wonder whether growing up is really worth it.
On the other hand, I'm one of a kind. People wish they were kids again so they'd have no worries, but I always couldn't wait to grow up. To me, growing up is a form of independence; financially and psychologically.
I no longer have to depend on my parents for pocket money, and I no longer have to worry about how my actions are being judged by them. Simply said, I'm fully responsible for my own well being. I have never wished to be a kid again, because I really like the feeling of independence. I don't even rely on any forms of approval from le boy or any other people for my actions and thoughts. I know some girls do, and may call this "finding The One" to change for, but I think it's really stupid anyway. That being said, I accept compliments from anyone graciously, because it shows that someone appreciates something about you, but it doesn't form a major part of my character.
"Oh I like your makeup today!" "Nice dress!" "Nice ass!" (lol, born with it babeh) "I like your fb statuses, they're always so amusing"
Positive little things like these remind me that not everything in life is to be cynical about, and that there's always something to be appreciated about someone.
...Okay I think the above statement is the most humane thing I've ever said so far lol.
Here's wishing Singapore a happy 48th birthday, with many more prosperous years to come! You've done a pretty decent job of growing so far, providing us with a safe haven to grow up in. Though I don't know for how many more of your birthdays I'm gonna be staying here, thank you for being such a great place to live in! *clinks champagne glass*
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
The grey cave of never ending grief.
This is the second time I am having this dream.
.I tried searching for images of the one in my dream, but none came close.
I am standing in a mortuary with a few other people who are grieving over the death of their loved ones. A stranger comes over and tells us to close our eyes. When I next open my eyes I emerge in a tunnel -like cave with a light at the end with a slope at the side. A waterfall is splashing on my head from above, and the water is waist deep.( My first time of this dream ended here.)
Everything in the dream is grey in colour. The kind of light grey you get from concrete / facial mud. I'm surprised, as I rarely dream in colour. I make my way to the side and go up the slope. There is an Indian family walking on the slope,trying to make their way out, and they are letting out cries of pain. I figured that the only way to end the pain was to walk out of the tunnel-like cave, but the walk never seems to end.
In a flash, I am back at Kumon teaching the kids, and I ask one of them " Is your Mummy coming to pick you up today?" He replies " Mummy has gone to heaven"
I jolt awake.
It's kind of comforting to watch the cursor blinking away as i pause between typing randomly. Reminds me of Tumblr gifs.
I ingest so much lip gloss on a daily basis that I think I'd ooze lip gloss if I were dissected after my death.
"The night before my comeback, I actually felt fear about it, and told my husband. To which he smiled and said: My dear, were you expecting to feel any other emotion? It was then I realised that fear was just another emotion that we go through in life" -Julie Andrews
The girls have just gone home from sleepover, and I had fun. Missing them already hehe.
When I was young I used to be reluctant about letting friends go home after dinner, and both of us girls would plead with our parents to let the friend sleep over, but they always said no. Meh.
There were so many fun things to do, like giggle in the dark in bed, refusing to sleep, talking about anything under the sun, trading stickers for our sticker albums.
When we got older, activities turned into watching movies, gossip, playing scary games on the laptop, talking into the night and slowly drifting off to sleep.
(comes back from 45 minute nap)
I'm so exhausted by the activities of these 2 days, I just took a 45min nap lollol. I'd just slept at 4am and woke up at 8.20am.
Last night Alice, Sin Yee and Flea came over, and we had a movie marathon, playing Slender in between. Screaming like idiots we were hiakhiak.
I was stunned to find Alice gone from the bedroom when I'd woken up. My groggy mind told me she'd gone home LOL. Then I came round and decided to go outside, and there she was, using the laptop! Went for breakfast then back home to stone with another movie 'Side Effects'.
31 July 2013
7.48am - I have just woken up from a dream which made me feel so much raw grief, and I wanna blog about it.
Wednesday, June 05, 2013
The notion of paid sex
I wrote the following in my diary because I'd deemed these thoughts too intimate for public reading. Then I changed my mind.
Today a certain conversation has made me almost lose faith in mankind.
Why is paid sex only a norm for the males? Why is it less heard of among the females? Does all this stem from societal expectations and stereotypes?
Isn't paid sex more worth it than a one night stand, since money is involved in the former, and none in the latter? (I'm just more money-faced okay)
Think of it this way: When we see a scantily clad woman at the bar,arm hooked onto another man, leaving the place together , we automatically assume on first instinct that it is the man paying ( in one form or another) to have sex with her.
Why can't it be the other way round ?(i.e. the woman paying the man) Why does our society function this way?
How can anyone who is about to settle down, still want to look for a form of paid sex? Settling down vs paid sex; what are the tradeoffs? ( I realise that until here, this entry is filled with Whys and Hows ; questions waiting for answers.)
I read somewhere in an article (if I don't remember wrongly) about having better rights of sex workers so that they don't get mistreated by other members of society. If anything happened to them, they wouldn't feel as if going to the police wouldn't help their situation.
But why do we let them continue with their trade in the first place? Is this the only thing they can do? How should we see this whole thing? In a positive or negative light?
At this point lots of thoughts are swirling around in my head. I don't know, you tell me.
Monday, June 03, 2013
What Say You?
Attraction of deprivation- when we are drawn to people who embody the worst emotional characteristics of our parents. Basically, the theory explains that we are attracted to people who can wound us the same way we were wounded in our childhood, as our psyche tries to recreate the past void and save us by changing its ending.
Sunday, June 02, 2013
Thoughts...Bits and pieces of 'em. Life is good (?) after exams.
Alice's belated birthday thang at Foodology!
This pic makes me giggle, cos I stood too far away when taking this pic and went "Why do the 2 of you look so small sized in here" hahaha.
looove. < 3
It's officially the month after my exams. I feel like I've been doing so many things after my exams ended, then I looked at my expenses for May and realised the correlation between expenses and activities. Hur.
I still have a ton of things to do!
-Adventure Cove Waterpark
-Tulipmania at Gardens by the Bay
-Shop for more shoes and makeup! (hemhem)
Before my exams I'd noted down stuff that I'd wanted to blog about. Soooo here goes!
1. Qualms about leaving bags behind at tables:
When I go out and eat with friends, I realise that most of them are perfectly alright with leaving their bags behind and taking out their valuables to go and buy food together, with no one to look after the bags.
Most give me the "Aiya, no one will want to steal our bags la. Just all go together"
What makes them think that no one would wanna steal our bags, even with no valuables in it? Doesn't it occur that some people may have a field day just taking our bags and throwing them somewhere for the fun of it? Hmmm. Weird.
2. On dating a chef.
There're lots of articles you can read, from wives/ people who're dating chefs. It's their two cents worth on the not so common experience....
-Sometimes chefs are so busy that you start to half believe that your boyfriend is just a hallucination from one drink too many.
- You must be prepared to spend the commercial holidays without him, as most places open during the holidays. (Christmas, New Year's Eve etc)
-You should probably get a life , and not be joined to him at the hip.
If you've heard of Bridezillas, then I'm probably a girlfriend-zilla. I am guilty of feeling insanely murderous when I see another female's Whatsapp pop up repeatedly on the boyfriend's screen.Especially if the way they talk is akin to the way he used to talk to me in the beginning, smileys and all.
Then the passive aggressive in me would just withdraw and avoid all forms of conversation with him to avoid a conflict, and then try to forget about it, sweeping things under the carpet.
Bad habit I know. But I just find confrontations useless. If the fellow wants to cheat / rather talk to another person, there's nothing much you can do to prevent this from happening. What's yours will be yours. Simple as that.
So I've changed from being a passive aggressive girlfriend-zilla into a Zen one.Many things in life , we can't control. Including each other's feelings.
That's not to say that I won't have murderous instincts when I see a girl's name pop up on the screen...Just sayin.
Thursday, April 04, 2013
Well well, happy Thursday folks! I've bookmarked so many sites and blogs to read after my exams are over. I think I'll have a ball reading them :D
My eyes automatically opened at around 3.30am this morning....And I fell back asleep at ...4am-ish? Must stop this bad habit of waking up in the middle of the night. Ugh.
It's really interesting to read blogs and see what kind of perspectives other people have about the same kind of issues I think about. I.e. virginity, politics, etc.
It can be a pleasant surprise to chance upon a blog that I enjoy reading, and come across whole new viewpoints that I've never thought about before. That , in turn, spurs me to think even more and sorta have a discussion with myself inside my head.
Nope, I'm not crazy. I swear.
Wednesday, April 03, 2013
Ok...Apparently I wrote this entry on April Fools' Day and only finished it today LOL.
Happy April Fools' Day!
"You know the moment you wanted to do something and forget what you wanted to do in a flash? That's God playing Sims and cancelling your action."
I have SO many random thoughts when I walk past people outside.
A quarrelling couple: 'Why do you even quarrel outside? Take it home and thrash it out! '
An angry mother blowing up at her child who is throwing a tantrum: 'Oh my god, I hope I don't be like her if I'm ever a mother.'
Kids who need iDevices at the table during mealtimes or on any mode of transport to keep them
Weird dream, of makeup and workshop at a weird house.
I'd dreamt that I was conducting a makeup workshop using Laura Mercier products on a last minute notice to replace someone. It was in a wooden house,something like a log cabin and there were many middle aged women waiting inside for the workshop to start. I had used my mum as a model for demonstration, and the whole thing seemed to go pretty well. When the Q&A session came, one of the participants raised her hand. "I haven't used makeup in the past 10 years, what sort of products should I use? " All of a sudden the other women started raising their hands and asking questions at the same time.
I was overwhelmed and all the women started taking my products and drawing on the walls with them to test them (LOL) I was so scared, I ran out of the house and ...suddenly I woke up.
Speaking of makeup, I recently bought the Benefit Flawless Oxygen liquid foundation! The counter girl at the Raffles City Robinsons was SO helpful. (welll okay there was no one there so we were just fooling around hehehe)) She helped me to redraw my brows, and contoured my face too. hahahha. She tried to make me apply blush too, but I had to go off already!
"I don't understand ah, why people so shy? Test makeup only what, don't buy also never mind! Makeup's so fun to play with, so many different looks you can create."
I had a pretty bimbotic moment there ... I was staring at the foundation Tester bottle, wondering how 30ml could be so little as compared to my Clinique, and Melissa (the counter girl) asked: Why do you look so stressed?"to which I answered: "No...just wondering why 30ml is so little! "
She went "My dear girl...That's a tester. You don't expect us to open new ones every time right? -.- "
HAHAHA. okay okay .
On hindsight, I don't really like the texture of the foundation,
I've so many food pictures lying around,in my thumbdrive and phone to blog about....I'll get down to it when I end exams!
It's really intriguing to see where my blog views come from...Quite a bit of it comes from the States, but I've never had comments posted in the comments section! Really interesting...
Those of you who pop by, feel free to say hi! :D I won't bite. I tried inserting a tagboard on my blog...but it's not appearing...damn. I suck at this thing. Help!
Thursday, March 14, 2013
What constitutes happiness? I've been asking myself the same question, over and over again as I grow up, coming up with a different definition each time.
When I was in primary school, happiness meant....not having to memorise my multiplication tables and being envious of the kid who had the wide box of Faber Castell colour pencils with the most range of colours. ( I still wanna buy a box of them, just to fufill my childhood fantasy.hiakhiak) It meant being able to watch TV for long periods and having no homework to do.
Defining happiness now: I want to be empowered to do whatever makes me and the people around me happy. Being able to say 'No' when I mean it. Having lots of money, and preferably a sugar daddy (Regardless of looks,age, whatever).
....okay I was kidding on the last point. I hate having people pay for my stuff, come on.
Just recently I've had a slight argument with my dad over my ex tutor whom we were discussing. My dad was asking me if she was still giving tuition until now, and I told him "yeah,she is. Still doing it full time", to which my dad went " Tsk tsk. Look at her. She has an NUS/NTU degree in engineering, could have stuck to her career and be earning lots by now. Still doing private tuition and not married now, she's wasting her degree. So you see, ideals don't always work out."
I was. fuming. mad at this point. I fucking. HATE. people who judge. It's like, you don't know the person enough, so don't decide what she likes, or don't like, and worse,decide what's good for him/her.
My ex tutor tutored me for a few years, switched jobs to being a teacher in a secondary school, then to banking, then back to private tutoring until now (if I don't remember wrongly).
Honestly, I don't see anything wrong with private tutoring. You have an income stream, semi-flexi hours,blahblah.
I couldn't take my dad's statements lying down, to which i retorted: "She's happy giving private tuition now what, and she can travel whenever she wants, no family to tie her down. There's nothing wrong with that"
And my dad said "Yeah, she's happy now. But how about when she grows old and retires next time? Who's going to take care of her? Savings-wise,does she have enough? Will she still be happy by then?"
I told him " Ya, but it's her life what. She can do what she chooses to. Her degree didn't go to waste as well, and not all people need lots of taking care of when they're old. If we all keep worrying about retirement and old age , might as well prepare to die tomorrow right?"
I knowww I don't even make any sense in the above, but I was too mad to have any logical argument.
Good grief. I get mad just thinking about it again. *mock faint
Life is really too short to spend all of it worrying about the FUTURE. Must learn to arrange priorities so that there's a balance between being reckless and having a backup at the same time. No?
Monday, March 11, 2013
I have always envisioned my own life to be one of singlehood / partnership, never marriage.
I think the whole concept of getting married was ( maybe still is) uncalled for.
Yeah, the cliche "if you two trust and support each other you don't need a piece of paper to
validate all that."
But some naysayers might caution: "of course not!It's always better to have a form of protection
against yourself so that IF, and only if, anything happens, at least the financial aspect to
be settled doesn't turn ugly between the two of you. Also a form of legal protection."
My personal thoughts: I think it is a gross waste of money to spend on a wedding, be it a simple
or a lavish one. I always found better use for that sum of money; ie a house, investments, travelling,
or even saving up for future use. I have never appreciated the meaning of a wedding, because
to me it is like, a whole monkey show put up to entertain people you barely know.
And worse still, the couple, who paid for the wedding, also has to undergo the stress of
wedding preparations. (Wedding planners aside) So...it's as if you're paying to suffer.
Of course, the whole partnership arrangement does not always work out ideally, as there are
practical concerns to think about. Living in a country like Singapore, it is of course more
pragmatic to obtain a form of documentation for more housing choices and benefits. Assuming that
you aren't filthy rich enough to afford private property.
So...I guess sometimes ideals cannot be sufficient in satisfying certain desires. At the end
of the day there are still practical issues to think about, and you have to decide whether
the tradeoffs of your ideals are worth persisting for.
I'm running out of my Clinque 'Perfectly Real' liquid foundation, and also, this range has been
stopped. currently looking for another brand to replace my current one! Half of me wants to be lazy
and just buy Clinique foundation again, the other half is alternating between Laura Mercier, Bourjois,
I had a very bimbotic experience the other day.Come to think of it, I've had a few bimbotic
moments the past few days.
Last Friday I went out with Gan Ma to eat at PS Cafe and check out makeup counters!
I'd swatched several colours from the Clinique Chubby Stick range on my hand at Sephora,
and by the time I looked at the colours and decided which one I liked, I couldn't remember
which shade that was. LOL. Despite my frantic efforts to trace back the exact colour, I couldn't
find the stick that was of that colour?! So weirdddd.
I'm gonna go back to any counter and try again, hurhurhur.
Also had my first look at Tom Ford lipsticks ever since they launched in Singapore! I must say
I'm quite impressed with the texture, and there was this shade I quite liked too. I think the shade
was called...'Pink something'....'Pink Dusk'??
Had my first experience with the Laura Mercier shadow stick, and I have to say, the pigmentation's REALLY good. the colour didn't budge on my hand until I used an oil based remover on it! So amazed.
I secretly quite liked their liquid foundation in Sunny Beige as well, and the service from the staff who attended to me was pretty good. ^.^
Only thing is, I forgot to go try out Bobbi Brown foundation ??? I'm muddle headed, I knowwww.
Just yesterday I was browsing on Amazon for makeup, and saw Laura Mercier foundation. Happily
(and wrongly) I clicked on 'Check Out', thinking that they still needed an SMS one time pin before my card would be charged....
But no. The invoice page came out next. I was so horrified hahaha. The foundation shade wasn't even right for me! Cancelled the order quickly, whew. *smacks self* The price on Amazon worked out to be the same as retail price at Tangs anyway...so might as well...buy it on the spot.
For those who do not already know, I have sworn off Facebook!! It felt weird for the first 2 days or so, cos I had a slight urge to open my FB app and browse....
But! I deactivated my account, moved my FB app to the (useless) Utilities folder on my iphone and tada! I forgot to think about FB pretty quickly. The app isn't even in visible sight.
I felt like Facebook was taking up a lot of my mental energy and space, cos every time I look at FB there'd be like lots of news feed to read, and so many people looking happy in their FB photos.
And the sadist in me just couldn't stand all this positivtiy going around, cos I believed there's so much you can be happy about. I am, however on Twitter , and i think that's the only social media platform that hasn't been spoilt by parents.
Friday, January 11, 2013
When it comes to money issues, I have a relatively unique view on my take. How do I put this... I feel very empowered when I am able and choose to pay for my own things, despite hanging out with le bf.
I know that as stereotypical as it may sound, the prettier girls really have it easier when it comes to guys paying for them.
You can roll your eyes into oblivion at my conclusion, but I am telling you: IT IS TRUE 99% OF THE TIME, OKAY? (at least to my cynical perspective)
My analysis on this whole situation: The likelihood, or amount that guys (whether friends/dating/ boyfriends) pay is greater and is proportionate to the amount of effort the girl takes to doll up. It is as if...the guy is paying for your company...okay this sounds so wrong lollol. But....well that's how I feel it's like, in a way.
I've come up with a list of places I wanna visit thus far.
-Indonesia ( Jakarta, Medan, Bali...Solo...I'll add more cities later on)
-The Philippines ( Boracay, Manila...)
-Thailand ( Chiang Rai, Kho Phi Phi island)
-China ( the Northwestern parts)
-USA ( LA, San Fran, NEW YORK!! . for now. )
-Europe (Italy, London, Germany, Amsterdam, Paris...)
-India ( yes. don't laugh lol. )
-South America ( one day....if I don't think my butt will crack from the loooong ride)
-Australia (Sydney/ Melbourne)
Hm...I think that's about it for now. Oh wait. I think I've covered almost the entire world map lollol. But these are the places I wanna visit!! hahaha.And the places seem to be listed in terms of budget, coincidentally.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Random spools of thoughts.
Up till now I realise that I am still more inclined towards my father. I have no idea why I find it easier to click with him, and this has been the case since I was young.
Some say a father is a daughter's first man in her life, a daughter's first boyfriend. It is likewise for mothers and sons.
I know this sounds cliche and overused, but I have realised suddenly that my father has aged quite a bit, as I've never taken a proper look at him in a long time. He tends to forget things more often, gets more clumsy in his actions. I find myself holding his arm when we go out, just in case he loses balance and falls down.
Why does it take a death to make us learn how little we are cherishing the people around us? I may appear like superwoman on the outside, but I think my weak point is the issue of death.
I've gone through a few deaths in my entire life, and the people in mention were either not close to me or those whom I don't remember much about. Maybe this could explain why the issue of death feels so surreal to me. We read or hear about death statistics often, and to us the statistics are just numbers.
I have listened to a human sociology tutor talk about her experience in coping with her father's death, and I can't put my finger on the emotions I felt at that point of time. It was almost as if something in me died a little when she told us her story.
" ... As I was very,very close to my father, I didn't take his death very well. I was so affected,both physically and emotionally, I had to be hospitalised and couldn't return to work for a few months. To me, not having my dad around was too much to bear, because he was the man I talked to almost everyday, and I loved my father very much. My mother didn't know how to help me get out of my grief, other than to take care of me at the hospital. "
My tutor's story struck a chord with me, because we are similar in that aspect. I thought to myself : If I were her, I'd lose the will to live if it happened to me. I couldn't even bear to think about it.
I also realise that I haven't cried in almost a year... hmmmm. Nothing worth crying over anymore, really. I have come to a certain point in life whereby I rather be realistic and try to deal with the issue on hand than cry over it.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Was intending to go over some of my music, but a restless night found me click-clacking away here.
Certain times I think that what i REALLY need to do, is to de-clutter the space in my mind to help myself move forward in life.
But being broke just doesn't allow the above thought. I simply cannot afford to stop and think about my mental well being, just because.\
It's funny, how, sometimes the people who know you best share none of your genetic makeup.
What I wouldn't give to seek the uttermost inner peace with myself.
I've way too much angst against everything.
Karma's a bitch, only if you are one.
The past is a nice place to visit, but certainly not a nice place to stay.
Sometimes i really wonder, just what the fuck did i do wrong in my previous life.
Wednesday, September 05, 2012
I am taking the lift with 2 other men, place unknown. Suddenly the lift jerks violently and the lights go off. The lift stops. I stand in the pitch black darkness, blinking my eyes furiously to register the sudden darkness. My eyes are the epitome of night blindness.
The lights go back on.
I see 1 of the men holding a fork and knife, cutting a slice of the other man's face off and eating it a la fine dining style. The top of his head has been sliced off and removed like a cover and his brain is visible.The man being fed on is still conscious, and he's just standing there blankly. A chunk of his face is now missing, and there is lots of blood streaming down his face onto his clothes and the floor.
I am so horrified by this scene, my mind goes blank. I press all the lift buttons furiously, wanting to get out of the next closest floor. The lift doors open, and I rush out. I glance behind myself.
The man holding the fork and knife is following me a few people behind, with his cutlery dripping with blood.
I open a random door and end up in carpark. Now it is just the two of us, streaming in between the parked cars. We're walking a normal speed, but he just seems to get closer and closer to me...
I wake up.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
I am 21, no more, no less. more jaded / cynical than before, though I'm pretty amazed at my own level of cynicism already.
Still feeling subconsciously sad though.
Sadness :emotional pain associated with, or characterized by feelings of disadvantage, loss, despair, helplessness, sorrow, and rage.
Monday, June 04, 2012
M : So spill the beans leh, how did he ask you? Were you even conscious *snickers*
Me: huh... he didn't really ask actually. It just happened I suppose.
M: WHAT?! Eh. That's like, putting yourself up for potential trespassing lawsuit cos you stepped into someone's house without an invitation, although he didn't protest.
Jeez, I thought you'd have enough common sense to know by now.
Me: I dunno, do you think I appeared like I was just settling , which seems abit despo huh.
M: yeah... if you were won over so easily you'd look despo.and needy.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
When you first meet a person, the deciding factor of overall judgement would be that first handshake. (At least for me)
I don't like shaking cold and clammy / sweaty hands. Neither do I like weak handshakes. Then again, who does?!
Even for myself, I tend to shake hands firmly and grasp the person's hand a little hard for the standards of a girl (So I've been told; I shake hands like a guy hehe.)
I've shook some ladies' hands, and realise that their grips are rather soft. It's almost as if she half expects you to kiss her hand and go 'M'lady' and do a little curtsy. Hur.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
The #216 Rule of a Gentleman.
Never compare her to other women.
via 'Etiquette for a Gentleman'
It's demeaning, unnecessary, and hurtful.
As of late I've found that I lack intellectual and meaningful conversation in my daily life.
I feel that the little lessons i gain from talking to people around me help a lot in me shaping my views and perspectives as a person, and ... it's as if i'm missing some of that lately.
My mum taught me that a lady should always behave like a lady. Gracious, classy and charismatic at all times, no matter what the situation. I've been trying to follow this mantra, but finding it hard. Do you really expect me to still be gracious , even when i feel like screaming at someone / biting his head off?
YC's right. i should just adopt a heck care attitude, for the sake of my mental well being. life's too short to tear your hair out over stuff like that. hur.
*flicks hair and struts off.
Tuesday, May 01, 2012
Just cos this blog needed some tender lovin care. lollol. i decided to put up pictures of my recent scent!
I quite like this CK Sheer Beauty. The scent isn't too feminine/ floral and it's quite pleasing to the nose. Only gripe? It came only in EDT. And all along I still thought it was Eau de Parfum. zzzzz. It was till I found that the scent didn't last long that I decided to check.
Yeah I know, I know. Blur ttm right.
On a totally different topic...
Life's been passing in a whirl as of late, and I am leaving my job soon for uni studies. There are times when I question the importance of "The" degree, given that some people succeed without one, or without the one they attained.
Having worked with the adult world for the past year I find that ...life really hits you hard in the face. Especially since my company recently switched to a U.S. based system from a company called Pershing, we have had to liaise with many U.S. based staff.
I find that there IS a difference in the way we think, act and operate, as compared to say, the Westerners. We follow a certain mould, behave well, don't go against the norms and do not question what's given to us much. The former is more of the independent style, and reminds me of the "feel good" TV reality shows you see, like ...' Undercover Boss', 'American Idol', whereby encouragement and positivity is widely expressed, regardless of the situation or seriousness of the problem on hand.
I'm not really used to this form of expression, cos sometimes all I wanna do is cut to the chase and solve the problem quick. They like to say stuff like: "Thanks so much for calling, I will reach out to you soon, and hopefully we'll have a solution for you by the end of today. I can't be of much help, but I'm sure we'll be able to find you someone who can help.(blahblahblah)" Sometimes on my end I go "oh. really. *unamused face*"
Madame has also been pigging out A LOT recently. Places include Brunetti's (at Tanglin Mall), Santouka Ramen, Crystal Jade Korean BBQ, Ippudo Ramen (Mandarin Gallery) , Wild Honey,Tom's Palette and the list goes onnnn. Pictures are all with the boy, so I might post up pictures if I get hold of them.
Came across this below pic on someone's Tumblr recently...Can't remember whose.
I'm gonna try to do all the above styles someday. heh.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
I watch the news showing 2 torture killings that have occurred over the past few days. I can't remember the details of the first murder, but the other murder consists of the victim being knocked down by a car in reverse, and then being hung on a tree upside down with his legs tied. The news on TV broadcasts the murder suspect's face, and I don't give much thought to it.
A few days later I'm walking on a street, and see a person wearing a round hat like those of cancer patients and a surgical mask walking towards me. Oddly enough, I still recognize him as the murder suspect from the news a few days ago. I take out my iPod to snap a photo of him. He notices me doing that and rushes towards me , snatches my iPod and runs away.
I belatedly realize the danger of my actions, as he might have already targeted me as his next victim. Somehow I am not sad over the loss of my iPod.
Another few days later I receive my iPod in the mail, and use it to watch videos. When I select 1 of the videos to watch, another video pops out instead.
It is the video recording of the 2 murders that took place. I think I'm next in line. Suddenly someone grabs me from behind and beats me up very badly, and the next thing I know, I' m in hospital bandaged up everywhere except my eyes. I'm unable to move, and my room door opens slowly.
My attacker has stepped in, donning the same hat and mask covering his face.
I can't protest, and I try to reach for the help button below my table. It is too late. He pulls the drip out of my hand and stabs my spine with the needle.
The pain feels so real, I wake up. It is 6am.
I never knew you could actually feel pain in your dreams until now. Maybe I should stop reading murder thrillers before bedtime. Hur.
Friday, February 17, 2012
"I know that the emails and instant messages and posts that I’m reading are from another person in another time. They’re no longer who they used to be."
-Lena Chen, the chicktionary.
I sometimes follow her blog, and this recent post i read very aptly described how i feel towards people around me.
The people in mention are not just your friends or others, they also refer to ourselves as well. I mean, whenever i flip through my journals and read the stuff i write, sometimes i go: oh my godddd what made me write that?! BUT. i also find that i don't regret writing some of the stuff in there as well, and maybe I'll never regret writing some things too.
Recently i read a book 'Pool of unease' by Catherine Sampson.
I think i tend to prefer British writers more than other writers....HMMMMMM. this may sound very weird, but when i pick out a book from the library shelf i tend to look at the author's bio first to see if he/she is British. LOL, and this tends to influence my decision to read/ borrow the book.
There's just something about the English style of writing and humour that I like better, as compared to say, American authors.
Go ahead, spill